memories

I rarely post here anymore, because this part of my life is over. But I do like to come here and read about the things I often barely remember. I think that it is helpful for me to see where I was and associate it to where I am now. so now i am just sitting here listening to Ron White, and procrastinating my psyc writing. and fighting with my sister via myspace. *rolls eyes*

there are places i remember....

So I haven't needed this blog in a long time, and I find it a little alarming that I am turning to it again now. But I don't appear to have anywhere else to turn so I guess I'll hope for the best and ignore the warning bells going off in my head.

Some days things go so badly and the frustration is so great, I literally just have a melt down. I feel like I have no outlet for all the negative emotion that I am building up, and I have to admit that it worries me somewhat.

I don't like feeling like I am less than everyone else. I also don't like constant repremands and lectures, no matter how pleasantly couched. I don't like when people who live in the same house as me will not sit at the same dinner table as me. I don't like when nothing is done correctly, nothing is right, nothing is good enough.

I hate not being able to turn to Hal for support. It was something that I was really coming to value about him. I guess I understand how he feels though. I wouldn't take it at all well if he started criticising my parents constantly. oh...wait....he does. I also understand that he is not feeling well, but I wish he would be more proactive, make more of an effort. Especially when he knows his absence from the daily routine makes things that much harder for me.

Also, I hate buying groceries to make the "crap" food, that no one here would dream of eating, then having it disappear. I swear I think they trow it out to spite me for bringing such low class, pedestrian fare into their home.

All right I feel somewhat better, but living here, I'm sure you'll be hearing a lot more from me.

New Year's

So, it's New Year's once again. I swear it feels like this year has flown past. I have been so busy I haven't had time to be naughty, so I haven't had much to write in here. Working a lot, still going to school. I might graduate someday.

So the family was sitting around talking about our resolutions, and my husband said mine should be to quit drinking. My 10 year old daughter replied that "that would be like wishing the sky was pink". I think I might be a little hurt by that. Guess i will really have to quit drinking. :(

one of these days

Do you ever have those days where someone says something to you and suddenly, your life is illuminated before your eyes? Me neither. But sometimes I stumble across a glow in the dark sticker, amidst the chaos. I read a book the other day about an alcoholic drag queen and his crack addict boyfirend. Parts of it just resonated so strongly, I still have to stop and think about what is real and what only happens in my head. Thats what drug addiction does to you. It makes you question every thought you have, becasue your never sure if it is real. Reality is such a subjective thing anyhow. I'm sure it must be overated. I spend so much time blaming everyone and everything for the problems in my life I think I have forgotten what the problems even were. I see the things I do to my family and I can't believe that this is the first time I've felt ashamed of what I have become. How could I not have noticed my slef respect floating away? What was it about before that made me so willing to give it up that I didn't even notice when it was gone? How am I ever supposed to come back from that? I feel so lost. So unable to connect with anyone, because I don't think I can differentiate between the truth and fiction. I stumble through everyday and sometimes I stumble across a splinter of the person I used to be. It hurts. I hate that I gave myself away for nothing. I didnt realize .......anything i guess. I wish it was easy, and I could just go back to how I used to be, but that girl is gone, and I dont know how to pull the splinters together to form a whole person. One who is capable of changing. Being happy. Being complete.

Sign My Yearbook!

i knew i was meant for greatness

King I'm not telling your actual score. Hmph!

King (or Queen) types are generally friendly and like to take care of people. Kings are organized and like everything to be in its place, in all aspects of life. Kings have a hard time tolerating deviance, but have big hearts and are usually understanding. They make good leaders due to their unselfishness. However, Kings have no problem living in luxury and accepting the good rewards they deserve. They are generally straightforward and honest and surrounded by lots of friends, even though they are not extremely outgoing. The King's complement is the flashy, energetic Magician.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 20% on Confidence You scored higher than 16% on Creativity

Link: The Medieval Archetype Test written by isayso on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

I used to write in this blog fairly often, but I quit when I got clean. I suddenly believed that my life was uninteresting. To tell the truth, it is pretty boring now, but I am feeling the need to vent, and here you are a nice little blog, just waiting for me to spew forth my resentment and frustration with the world.

I do appreciate it. There are days in my life when I feel so helpless. And I find that so frustrating. I have so many issues, that I haven't even begun to work through, but people are shoving me through them anyhow. And I find that so frustrating. My job preys on the ignorance and mental deficit of the masses, and my failure to thrive there is so frustrating. The people i blame for these feelings of frustration are not the people who are responsible (myself).

So I find myself awash in a sea of frustration and resentment, unable to find purchase against a flimsy shore of newly built self. In being swept away by the current of my negative feelings I am effectively throwing back the lifepreserver of hope and sanity.