one of these days

Do you ever have those days where someone says something to you and suddenly, your life is illuminated before your eyes? Me neither. But sometimes I stumble across a glow in the dark sticker, amidst the chaos. I read a book the other day about an alcoholic drag queen and his crack addict boyfirend. Parts of it just resonated so strongly, I still have to stop and think about what is real and what only happens in my head. Thats what drug addiction does to you. It makes you question every thought you have, becasue your never sure if it is real. Reality is such a subjective thing anyhow. I'm sure it must be overated. I spend so much time blaming everyone and everything for the problems in my life I think I have forgotten what the problems even were. I see the things I do to my family and I can't believe that this is the first time I've felt ashamed of what I have become. How could I not have noticed my slef respect floating away? What was it about before that made me so willing to give it up that I didn't even notice when it was gone? How am I ever supposed to come back from that? I feel so lost. So unable to connect with anyone, because I don't think I can differentiate between the truth and fiction. I stumble through everyday and sometimes I stumble across a splinter of the person I used to be. It hurts. I hate that I gave myself away for nothing. I didnt realize .......anything i guess. I wish it was easy, and I could just go back to how I used to be, but that girl is gone, and I dont know how to pull the splinters together to form a whole person. One who is capable of changing. Being happy. Being complete.