Small towns make you crazy.

memories

2008-05-25T15:54:00.002-04:00

I rarely post here anymore, because this part of my life is over. But I do like to come here and read about the things I often barely remember. I think that it is helpful for me to see where I was and associate it to where I am now. so now i am just sitting here listening to Ron White, and procrastinating my psyc writing. and fighting with my sister via myspace. *rolls eyes*

there are places i remember....

2007-06-24T21:39:00.000-04:00

So I haven't needed this blog in a long time, and I find it a little alarming that I am turning to it again now. But I don't appear to have anywhere else to turn so I guess I'll hope for the best and ignore the warning bells going off in my head.

Some days things go so badly and the frustration is so great, I literally just have a melt down. I feel like I have no outlet for all the negative emotion that I am building up, and I have to admit that it worries me somewhat.

I don't like feeling like I am less than everyone else. I also don't like constant repremands and lectures, no matter how pleasantly couched. I don't like when people who live in the same house as me will not sit at the same dinner table as me. I don't like when nothing is done correctly, nothing is right, nothing is good enough.

I hate not being able to turn to Hal for support. It was something that I was really coming to value about him. I guess I understand how he feels though. I wouldn't take it at all well if he started criticising my parents constantly. oh...wait....he does. I also understand that he is not feeling well, but I wish he would be more proactive, make more of an effort. Especially when he knows his absence from the daily routine makes things that much harder for me.

Also, I hate buying groceries to make the "crap" food, that no one here would dream of eating, then having it disappear. I swear I think they trow it out to spite me for bringing such low class, pedestrian fare into their home.

All right I feel somewhat better, but living here, I'm sure you'll be hearing a lot more from me.

New Year's

2007-01-01T21:59:00.000-05:00

So, it's New Year's once again. I swear it feels like this year has flown past. I have been so busy I haven't had time to be naughty, so I haven't had much to write in here. Working a lot, still going to school. I might graduate someday.

So the family was sitting around talking about our resolutions, and my husband said mine should be to quit drinking. My 10 year old daughter replied that "that would be like wishing the sky was pink". I think I might be a little hurt by that. Guess i will really have to quit drinking. :(

one of these days

2006-08-15T21:05:00.000-04:00

Do you ever have those days where someone says something to you and suddenly, your life is illuminated before your eyes? Me neither. But sometimes I stumble across a glow in the dark sticker, amidst the chaos. I read a book the other day about an alcoholic drag queen and his crack addict boyfirend. Parts of it just resonated so strongly, I still have to stop and think about what is real and what only happens in my head. Thats what drug addiction does to you. It makes you question every thought you have, becasue your never sure if it is real. Reality is such a subjective thing anyhow. I'm sure it must be overated. I spend so much time blaming everyone and everything for the problems in my life I think I have forgotten what the problems even were. I see the things I do to my family and I can't believe that this is the first time I've felt ashamed of what I have become. How could I not have noticed my slef respect floating away? What was it about before that made me so willing to give it up that I didn't even notice when it was gone? How am I ever supposed to come back from that? I feel so lost. So unable to connect with anyone, because I don't think I can differentiate between the truth and fiction. I stumble through everyday and sometimes I stumble across a splinter of the person I used to be. It hurts. I hate that I gave myself away for nothing. I didnt realize .......anything i guess. I wish it was easy, and I could just go back to how I used to be, but that girl is gone, and I dont know how to pull the splinters together to form a whole person. One who is capable of changing. Being happy. Being complete.

2006-05-16T11:03:00.000-04:00

Sign My Yearbook!

i knew i was meant for greatness

2006-03-12T20:40:00.000-05:00

King
I'm not telling your actual score. Hmph!

King (or Queen) types are generally friendly and like to take care of people. Kings are organized and like everything to be in its place, in all aspects of life. Kings have a hard time tolerating deviance, but have big hearts and are usually understanding. They make good leaders due to their unselfishness. However, Kings have no problem living in luxury and accepting the good rewards they deserve. They are generally straightforward and honest and surrounded by lots of friends, even though they are not extremely outgoing.

The King's complement is the flashy, energetic Magician.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 20% on Confidence

You scored higher than 16% on Creativity

Link: The Medieval Archetype Test written by isayso on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

2006-02-21T00:06:00.000-05:00

I used to write in this blog fairly often, but I quit when I got clean. I suddenly believed that my life was uninteresting. To tell the truth, it is pretty boring now, but I am feeling the need to vent, and here you are a nice little blog, just waiting for me to spew forth my resentment and frustration with the world.

I do appreciate it. There are days in my life when I feel so helpless. And I find that so frustrating. I have so many issues, that I haven't even begun to work through, but people are shoving me through them anyhow. And I find that so frustrating. My job preys on the ignorance and mental deficit of the masses, and my failure to thrive there is so frustrating. The people i blame for these feelings of frustration are not the people who are responsible (myself).

So I find myself awash in a sea of frustration and resentment, unable to find purchase against a flimsy shore of newly built self. In being swept away by the current of my negative feelings I am effectively throwing back the lifepreserver of hope and sanity.

Gotta Love Dubyah

2006-01-24T23:30:00.000-05:00

Megan's random George Bush quote:

"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.
-George W. Bush"

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

"Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."

2006-01-19T23:59:00.000-05:00

Just a little Dubyah there. Gotta love the man. School is back in session. Yeah Man! These are the days of my life. God help us all when I finally snap. I can feel it creeping ever closer. I had things I wanted to bitch about, but I really just don't freaking care anymore. It's all going to hell anyhow. Intelligence without ambition is like a car without a motor. But you can buy a new motor.

you know it's true

2005-12-22T17:43:00.000-05:00

You Are Vixen

Sexy and sultry, you're the one all the other reindeer dream about.
Why You're Naughty: That fur pulling spat you got into with Dancer over Santa.
Why You're Nice: Because even when you're nice, you're still delightfully naughty!

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

My boring boring boring life

2005-12-20T11:55:00.000-05:00

My life has gotten so boring lately. I don't go out anymore. All I do is work and go to school, but school is out for christmas break, and work should die off after the new year. Right now IOP is taking up loads of time, well, I guess it's only nine hours a week, but it seems like a lot. Gotta love group. Stressed out about Holdiay plans, Hal doesn't want to drive me the days I want to go, so who knows. I don't know what's wrong with him lately. Well, actually I do, he's at the far swing of his depression phase, so he's up all night, sleeps all day, and does nothing. He's been out of liquor for the last two days so he hasnt been drunk. I guess that's all I want to talk about right now, so I should go get ready for work. <3>

I'm going to flunk out of college..

2005-12-15T00:22:00.000-05:00

I really hate finals week. I hate working so much. I almost hate Christmas. I wonder if I can sue Wal Mart for killing the Christmas spirit. People are mean and vicious when they are shopping. Gossip from home is all as to be expected. Loser brother is in jail, how fun is that. I wonder if Tauche has anything to say on the subject? Maybe I should call and see whats going down. Had a dream about hiljack and a snake. fairly unpleasant, really, at least for him. ~ off to study~

Do you ever feel like this?

2005-11-18T11:44:00.000-05:00

You will never be strong enough

You will never be good enough

You were never conceived in love

You will not rise above

Somebody tell me what made us all believe you

I should have known all along it was all a lie

-Evanesence

Aren't I cool?

2005-11-13T22:47:00.001-05:00

You are Oscar Wilde

Charming and Witty. You are incredibly popular because of your wry and satirical sense of humor. You are also incredibly talented at writing, and pushing the conventional boundaries of your society.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

I knew it!

2005-11-12T14:33:00.000-05:00

You fit in with:
Atheism

Your ideals mostly resemble those of an Atheist. You have very little faith and you are very focused on intellectual endeavors. You value objective proof over intuition or subjective thoughts. You enjoy talking about ideas and tend to have a lot of in depth conversations with people.

60% scientific.
60% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Jail time

2005-11-10T17:28:00.000-05:00

You will go to jail for:	Saying 'that’s hot' without the proper clearance from Paris

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Died again today..

2005-11-10T17:27:00.000-05:00

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Countering the Backwards Left Ideology

2005-11-06T18:02:00.000-05:00

http://www.larebil.com/

This is so true!

2005-11-02T23:26:00.000-05:00

"Making eye contact during rough sex is roughly the equivalent trying to read Dostoyevsky on a rollercoaster." Jenna Jameson

Survey Time

2005-10-29T20:41:00.000-04:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Megan
Birthday:	3-22-78
Birthplace:	Gustavus, Ohio
Current Location:	Kent, Ohio
Eye Color:	Blue
Hair Color:	Brown
Height:	5'4"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	German/Welsh
The Shoes You Wore Today:	slippers from LL Bean
Your Weakness:	Chocolate
Your Fears:	Physics
Your Perfect Pizza:	Triple Cheese
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Pass Physics
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	any
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Shit, it's 11 already?!
Your Best Physical Feature:	Smile
Your Bedtime:	Bed?
Your Most Missed Memory:	Drunkeness
Pepsi or Coke:	Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:	McDonalds
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	Sometimes
Do you Swear:	God Yes
Do you Sing:	not in public
Do you Shower Daily:	of course
Have you Been in Love:	with myself
Do you want to go to College:	no, but i'm here anyway
Do you want to get Married:	already am
Do you belive in yourself:	is this an exisential question?
Do you get Motion Sickness:	yes
Do you think you are Attractive:	damn straight
Are you a Health Freak:	absolutely not
Do you get along with your Parents:	one of them
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yes
Do you play an Instrument:	drums`
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	yes
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	no
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no..well maybe
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	yes
Ever Shoplifted:	yes
How do you want to Die:	soon
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	i dont know yet
What country would you most like to Visit:	italy
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	blue
Favourite Hair Color:	dark
Short or Long Hair:	long
Height:	tall
Weight:	any
Best Clothing Style:	variable
Number of Drugs I have taken:	a lot
Number of CDs I own:	more than 200
Number of Piercings:	one
Number of Tattoos:	two
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	god..too many to count
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

The Devil is Physics

2005-10-29T03:51:00.000-04:00

It is almost Halloween. Aren't we all excited? My kids are, well at least the oldest is, the baby's a bit young yet. Apparently there are going to be big parties all over campus. I don't have much else to say I guess. Everything else is still the same. Love the Killers. Their new video is awesome. Coldplay's new video sucks. My musical melancholy has not abated. I met someone the other day whose screen name was defenestrated. I love that word.

Don't tell my parents, they think I'm getting an education!

2005-10-25T14:43:00.000-04:00

"State Universities are breeding grounds, quite literally, for sexually transmitted diseases (including HIV), homosexual behavior, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, alcoholism, and drug abuse." ~ James Dobson (Focus on Family)

This cracked me up, the Golden Girls, who knew?

2005-10-19T18:50:00.000-04:00

"When she was fifteen I found her underneath a pile of hillbillies. Can you imagine me, with a crowbar, prying off cousins left and right?" Sofia, pretending to be Blanche's mother.

2005-10-19T15:07:00.000-04:00

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Baby's got her blue jeans on..

2005-10-16T13:31:00.000-04:00

Gotta love Conway! Today has been full of music. Music means remembering. Songs play, and images and dreams waft across my consciousness. Sometimes there are things I just wish I could forget, but for the most part, pleasant memories. Things I miss about my old life. I guess I'm just feeling melancholy. Lonlieness will do that to you I think. I'm so happy to be alone, finally, that I really don't understand whay my lonlieness is doing here right now. I feel foolish sometimes to hold out so much hope for the future. I wish I could just resgin myslef to what I have. Must return to Child Psyc.

I love this song..

2005-10-15T20:28:00.000-04:00

I've been a bad, bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad, sad world
When a girl can break a man
Just because she can

Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and I want to
Suffer for my sins
I've come to you 'cause I need
Guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin

What I need is a good defense
Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love

Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds
Before I get them done
I know tomarrow brings the consequence
At hand but I keep living this day like
The next will never come

Oh help me but don't tell me to deny it
I've got to cleanse myself
Of all these lies till I am good
Enough for him
I've got a lot too lose and I'm
Betting high
So I'm begging you before it ends
Just tell me where to begin

What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love

Me

2005-10-15T20:26:00.001-04:00

Wes says Megan is Purple today

Do you want to know what colour you are? Take Wes's Aura Test on Bunnies and Bees.

Kerra

2005-10-15T20:26:00.000-04:00

Wes says Kerra is Brown today

Do you want to know what colour you are? Take Wes's Aura Test on Bunnies and Bees.

Katie

2005-10-15T20:25:00.000-04:00

Wes says Katie is Yellow today

Do you want to know what colour you are? Take Wes's Aura Test on Bunnies and Bees.

I am an American

2005-10-10T21:13:00.000-04:00

Physics is the devil

2005-10-04T00:16:00.000-04:00

Have I mentioned this before? Physics is the devil. Sent specifically to torment those of us who are math or logic challenged. Sigh. Other things progress. Drunkeness for the first time in months has made me nostalgic. For people, things, attitudes, memories. Everything I used to have. Why? I have to think that there is something wrong with me. God knows I got more done when I was doing drugs. This withdrawl has been much harder on my mind than my body.

Physics is the devil

2005-09-19T13:38:00.000-04:00

I have decided that I really dislike physics. I like the concept, but not the application. Quantum mechanincs were clearly designed to torment those of us who have yet to obtain a mathematics degree.

In other news, a breif visit home for the weekend was particularly unrewarding. I hate that my friends feel the need to inundate me with the gossip about someone I am trying to forget. It does get easier, but some things constantly remind me of him. I think back and I can't help but wish I had never met him. I would be about ready to graduate, I would have a house, a car, a driver's license, everything. I walked away from everything in my life for someone who is so obviously unworthy. Why would I do that?

I really have to get on the things that have to be done for my probation. I think I have untill the end of next month. I still have forty hours of community service, the three day driver intervention, the assesment and drug screening, and of course all the fines. Everything he ever said to me was a lie. I hate that.

The merry go round goes round and round..

2005-09-08T16:27:00.000-04:00

I would say that I have been busy, but I guess I haven't. Back at school living on campus with the old man. It don't get more exciting than this! Have actually managed to meet some people though. Days go by, and thoughts cross my mind...less and less, sometimes only once a day. The life I left, the things I knew I had to give up sometimes I remeber them and it's like a slice. Not that painful, but a lingering ache. Melancholy seems inevitable, unavoidable, unending and suffocating.

Does it ever get better?

2005-08-08T06:06:00.000-04:00

Summer semester is finally over. Thank God. Now I just have to figure out what to do with the rest of my screwed up life. What's that saying, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting different results,"? Or was that stupidity? No matter really, they both apply to me right now. Off to bang head on wall until some idea or plan for future comes out!

Is everyone stupid?

2005-07-19T20:31:00.000-04:00

Have spent most of the day scratching my head in frustration and wonderment at the absurd amount of stupid people to be found. On a college campus no less. It seems the future is looking bleak if these are the up and comers of the nation. Also, while trying to join the young republicans, and or the college republicans, both websites had non working links. Very confidence building, don't you think?

Hillbilly apparently considers me to now be a non entity, and in conversation seems to forget that we ever dated. When unpleasantly reminded of this fact, stammering and confusion ensue. *return to kicking self*

College administrators: if your staff is incompetent, your students will transfer!

Are you Fucking Kidding Me?

2005-07-17T05:46:00.000-04:00

Hillbaby, what the fuck is wrong with you? You have really turned out to be a fucking whack job! I can't believe that your flipping the fuck out on me, when god knows all I ever did was try to be your friend. Any of your other friends call you everyday to see if your okay? You finally got a new friend with a driver's license, so suddenly I'm lower than the toilet paper stuck to the back of your shoe? That is just fucked up.

I guess I should have seen it coming, for every lie you ever told me, for all the things you never asked for, for your crippling insecurity. I truly think that you believe you were in love. I am also convinced that you have no clue what the word means. Another one you might want to look up is respect, oh and friendship. Which is not friendship if it is not reciprocal. So I guess what we had centered on a bad case of idolatry on my part, and flagrant disregard for my feelings on yours.

Do you know how I feel when you whine about how bucked up your life is? I didn't do a damn thing to deserve the total fuck job that I got, but everyone still expected me to be nice, smile, make friends. Fuck you guys. I drove your mother fucking asses around. I went to your grandmother's funeral. And now that the whore you fucked me over for left you, you have the fucking balls to think I should feel bad for you?! You have got to be fucking kidding. Even now, I go out of my way to be friends with you. God knows you never make any effort at all, and really this is my penance. I continue to hang around you, knowing it makes me feel like shit, because I think I deserve it for bucking over the good husband. Who upon our reconciliation, informed me of his plans to sleep on the couch. You think your life is fucking awful? You married a whore you had been dating for a month, and she fucked you over, man nobody saw that one coming. You need to grow up, and get over yourself, look around you and see the consequences that your actions have on the people around you.

How do you know if....

2005-07-12T20:09:00.000-04:00

How do you know if your a pathological liar? Are there warning signs? A checklist you can go through? I seem to find myself lying indiscriminately, without cause, with varying degrees of importance, almost constantly. Why might this be? Is it my utter inability to face the reality of my life? Is it my unnatural fascination with manipulation? Why must I take so much joy out of manipulating people who I know are weaker than me? Is it the feeling of power? I am really starting to have some serious issues.

New words of wisdom, Do not call and they will come. Fabricate plans and they will salivate. Finally give in, and they belong to you. Till the next round.

I keep making my life more and more complicated, and it is really getting to be fairly treacherous. I know I am going to wind up in a very unpleasant circumstance if I don't change my course of action, but I seem unable to change.

I always knew I'd grow up to be a junkie and a whore.

My parents must be so proud.

What am I supposed to do with all these fucking Lemons?!

2005-07-07T19:29:00.000-04:00

I am having the crappiest day ever! I know, I know, how can life inside my own twisted little world be crappy? If you only knew. First of all, I have serious issues, (you may have noticed that already)and they require a certain amount of maintenance to remain non-volatile. They are very near a breaking point. If you actually know me, a word of warning, steer clear for a while, someone is going to get the full blast of about 10 years worth of repressed rage. Damn, I almost feel sorry for the sucker.

Overabundance of extracurricular is resulting in disturbingly vivid and realistic hallucinations. My typing skills seem to also be impaired. My miserable life continues to be miserable though, so it must have been the hillbilly, and not the extracurricular. I am very near the point of just punching him in the fucking face sometimes, I mean, a little sensitivity please? You don't even know all the really mean and nasty things that I think about him and don't say. I really think that being a grown up is starting to suck big time.

Have finally come to the conclusion that not only am I selfish, have a horrible temper, and lazy, I may not be as smart as I have always believed myself to be. What did X used to say? You do awfully stupid stuff for the smartest girl in town. My lowlife patheticness is really beginning to become unbearable. If only I could ignore them by abusing some sort of drug....

Listen to me, it's all I think about. I am really a junkie. I can not freaking believe I let this happen to myself. It's not like I didn't know that drugs were bad for you (like cigarette's and sex). I think I'm in a hole I can't dig myself out of. And the only person that would help me, ....Forget it. I may as well resign myself to some jail time. Maybe I can get straight and figure my life out.

*Snort* as if.

And the Plot Twists...

2005-06-30T19:19:00.000-04:00

Guess what has been going on in my life (lives)! Come on guess! I dare you! I find it somewhat unbelieveable myself, and I'm pretty sure I was there. Hillbaby and houseguest whore are no more. *GASP* I know, I know, it is simply inconcievable that this turn of events should come about. I mean, no one saw this coming. ;) So, where has this landed me, in the midst of this disturbing and farfetched love triangle? Why enjoying the pleasures of guilt ridden, depressing, I'm never going to do this again, till the next time, sex. I admit it I am a weakling. I have no willpower. I have no self control, self respect, self discipline. Yeah, pretty much everything having to do with self, I am lacking. I must try to remeber to work on aquiring a soul, a concious, and possibly a heart. Definitely a brain. Anyone know where I might find these simple items. Somehow I feel myself slipping right back into the black hole that I was so rudely thrust out of.

I have to wonder, are men really as stupid as they seem? Or is it just an act so that they may never feel responsible for all of the things that they do to us? Apparently now that HGW has left hillbaby high and dry, I should be his friend, listen to his heartbreak, and offer up all the convincing platitudes. Do I do this? Of course I do. I told you I am weak. What do I really want to say? How does it feel! Sucks ass don't it. Ever heard that joke about how when you play a country song backward you get your dog back, you get your truck back, you get your wife back? Who knew that fairy tales really happen!

In truth, and I can almost admit the truth here, where no one but me sees it, it hurts. Why couldn't he have felt that way about me? What was it about her, that he found so much more appealing? And now I look at the way she treated him, (which we all knew was coming) and I see how upset he is about it, and I think, I never did anything like that. I walked away from everything I had in my life, gave him everything that I could give him, I never lied to him, betrayed him, cheated on him or stole from him. But am I the one he wants? Of course not. Because my life just cannot be that simple. He is however, more than willing to graciously allow me back into his bed. With the proviso that I don't tell anyone of course. I can't get over my own stupidity. Seriously, I think that I should probably be taken out in a field and shot. What a waste of brains and breath I have been. I think I must have gotten sucker tattooed on my forhead when I wasn't looking. God Save Us from the rednecks and morons.

And Who Should Appear?

2005-06-19T19:42:00.000-04:00

Guess who made a sudden appearence back in SmallTown? X. X has returned to the land of sour milk and bees. I was quite amazed. Apparently he went home with WWotW before I got there. Corosion was out and about. I really don't understand why he is so chatty with me, I mean the guy was married to a small town barbie. Barbie got in a fight with Sis, and cowboy didn't even step in. What else has happened? The western sky was bright last night, and appreciated by many. Kiddsis has found out that the new addition will indeed be female! Whoo Hoo!

Can't get that pesky refrain out of my head. I swear it is driving me crazy. I can't even begin to discuss, because it seriously makes me physicaly ill. I should be over it by now, this is unlike me. I do have a nice parting gift, I must use this oppertunity wisely. Off to assimilate statistics homework. ~Megan

School Days are Here Again

2005-06-14T10:44:00.000-04:00

Return to classes today. Decided to take it easy this semester, and only took two classes. Modern history (damn LER's) and Quantative Measures in Psyc (statistics). Both should be fairly cake like, which is always to be recomended in summer semester. Finally left hick campus and am taking classes at main. Computer labs here are freaking fantastic! I could happily remain here for the rest of the term.

Not so much going on in other news. Longhair remains the sweetest guy I have ever met. I have never appreciated a bed so much in my life. I did have a very crazy weekend. My car was having fits, and of course it always does that when you are somewhere you aren't supposed to be. Went to Conneaut for a side job, but that turned out badly, and unfortunately cooking school has been postponed. I havve determined that there must be a leak in the line, and that is so not cool. Sunflower and snake, new additions to this particular blog, have yet again proven that they are unworthy of my continued good will. Snake thinks he has some pull with me apparently, telling me that I have to leave his boy alone. I can send his boy to jail if I so please, his command means nothing to me. It actually kind of pissed me off. Cousin is looking at fifteen years for his combination of charges, and cityboy got a total of thirty something.

She who must not be named is being shirty lately, probably becase of the lack of extras, since my change in lifestyle. However, it is highly unpleasant and have been avoiding that whole scene.

WWotW works at barbs. Can you believe it. Went there to have breakfast with oldman and she was working. Desperately wanted to ridicule her, but refrained. Conductor returned from a three week vaca, i must see him about getting my watch back. littledevil is being missed, i guess i had better call her. moniecon needs to reaply herself to her lj activities, so i know she is out of jail. romy and michelle are the same as ever.

*note to self lj private post nick061305*

Happy Happy Joy Joy... Ren & Stimpy anyone?

2005-06-13T15:25:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling giddy all day. Too many bc pills maybe? :) So the plan is simple, move. I have not been this excited about a move since Phoenix. I finally feel like there is nothing holding me back, nothing from Andover/Williamsfield that I want or need, I am free to make a new life for myself.

This one took longer than usual. Almost a whole month to get the hillbilly out of my system. * Sidenote* I hate how you spell hillbilly. The double consonant (l) calls for the traditional ie ending. However since the word is diminuitive slang for a proper name, you retain the y ending. Hate that. *End sidenote* I still get a flash now and then, like the phantom pain of a missing limb. But after the dream I had about hillbaby last night, I finally understand my infatuation, and what you understand you can conquer.

Moving on....

Continuance

2005-06-07T14:07:00.000-04:00

So, life continues. Turns out my jealous and catty remarks were justified. Houseguest whore, has become the wife of hillbaby, a mere three weeks after the end of the begining. In other news, longhair continues to delight, while WWotW seems unable to refrain from making nasty comments about wheter or not I slept with her husband. ( X has disapeared from town, has not been seen since the week of his birthday, coincidentaly the same week I last saw him.)

Have recently had some legal issues, no thanks to hillbaby, and am working on resolution this week. Hillbaby seems very nervous that I may try to get him in trouble. I wonder why that might be? :)

I have some unresolved issues I would like to discus with him, but I don't think his wife will allow him to talk to me. I can say, having slept with several of the new wife's ex's that she is definitely a liar, hillbaby is so not bigger than them!~Later~

And the beat goes on...

2005-04-27T06:22:00.000-04:00

So things continue in the land of the small town. Not always the way you want precisely, but nonetheless they continue. Hillbaby is good, had some minor growing pains, but so far everything seems to be going well. Have had a houseguest lately, and I must confess to being inordinately jealous and unpleasant to her. I have no small amount of guilt in this matter, but seem unable to restrain catty and mean spirited comments from slipping past my lips! Am working diligently on this very unfortunate problem.

Who knew that you could get bored with the life of the extracurricular? I would have never thought such a thing possible! But alas, here it is, I find that drunk, dirty, teeth optional, thirty something men, just don't do it for me anymore. What is the world coming too? Fortunately, there is the sexiest forty year old man who lets me live in his house. Ten minutes in a room with him is too many for me to restrain myself. I never would have thought that skinny men would be so much fun! Not too mention the piece de resistance, which has rather suprising proportions given the aforementiond skinniness. Much joy in the lust addled portion of the female brain!

So, it's been a while.

2005-04-09T00:45:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted recently, since my internet access is severely limited now that I am kicked out of the house. I am having serious withdrawal issues. It is sad to see. Other things have been happening, some good, some bad. Hiljack remains ever jealous, and requires much attention. I wonder if I have made the correct choice, but I guess it is too late now. I always thought that I would like a boyfriend who was so attentive, but I must confess that I am beginning to find it a little suffocating. I guess we'll see how it goes.

And these are the days of our lives...

2005-03-20T16:00:00.000-05:00

So, I am officially moved out of the house, except for my stuff, and Hal has begun the process of legal seperation. We seem to have a pretty good grasp on the division of assets and how the kids will be taken care of, which is pretty good i guess.

Have gotten some flack about the seperation from my mother of all people. Hillbaby is feeling guilty, and says everyone thinks he broke up my marriage. If he only knew! How much is it okay to lie by when a guy wants to know how many partners you have had? If I told him the truth, I think he may very well have a heart attack!

Guess I'll figure it out!

Later~

2005-03-13T19:22:00.000-05:00

You scored as Slytherin. You have been sorted into Slytherin. Well, you won't have any problems in Potions class. You're ambitious, power-hungry even, and you don't like things getting in your way.

Slytherin

80%

Ravenclaw

75%

Gryffindor

70%

Hufflepuff

40%

The Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
created with QuizFarm.com

Back to the bar ladies...

2005-03-04T17:34:00.000-05:00

Back to the bar last night with hillbaby. Had a pretty good time, there were not too many people out, but it was still fun. Had wings at the tavern, then went to treasure island for more refreshments. Animal from the coon saloon was out, and I haven't seen him in years. That was cool, although hillbaby was slightly jealous. In a strange way I like it when he is jealous. I told him how I felt about the trash lady, and he was full of reassurances. I hope he means it. This relationship seems to be progressing rather quickly, and I am a little unnerved by it all, but SinD is amazed at how well we get along. I must say I never thought I would be dating one of those drywall losers ;). Hillbaby is definitely not my normal type, but I like him so far. We'll see how it goes I guess.

Bar Time is Here Again..

2005-02-25T10:38:00.000-05:00

Happy happy bar time is here again! I haven't been out drinking in almost a whole week! God forbid! Last night was the return to the scene, and I have to say I had a great time, but got totally wasted. Loretta and Boog were out, as were Jaime and Janet, Jamie and Heather, WWotW was out, and is a giant whore apparently. If you can suck up to mole for free drinks, there is nothing you won't do. I wonder if X knows that his precious wife is a giant whore. THat may sound a little vindictive, and I guess it probably is, but as I am not the only person to feel this way, I feel justified in posting it.

Quote of the day:

Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect, it is an indication that you have decided to see beyond the imperfections of life.

gacked this from a message board at bondage.com

Married life...who needs it?

2005-02-23T14:20:00.000-05:00

Finally the official, if not yet legal end to my sham of a marriage. While the most prominent feeling is one of relief, I also seem to harbor a fair amount of guilt, and anger. Guilt of course, for the escapades that have preceded this entry, and anger that my husband was unable or unwilling to make the slightest effort to improve our situation. He in fact was unwilling to even discuss the matter, and blatantly ignored any and all signs of discord.

So am I happily off to partake of the love nest offered by hillbaby? Of course not, that would be too easy, and didn't someone say that the course of true love never runs smooth? Not that I am convinced that this is true love, but it is definitely a true chemical connection. Of the mind blowing, eye rolling, incoherent thought variety. Am I shallow to place that much importance on something so basic? I don't think so. After all the failure of my marriage can directly be blamed upon the lack of physical chemistry I felt with my husband. I foolishly thought that it was unimportant and that our mental connection was sufficent for the rest of my life. That lasted almost a year.

In other news, gossip, recently died down, has ressurected with a vengance due to my newly single status. Everyone knows that there must be someone, but no one knows who. Speculation runs rampant among the bored and illiterate of my town. I will say to the wives who are currently besmirching my "good" name with claims that I tried unsuccesfully to seduce their husbands, let it be said here and now, I have never unsuccesfully seduced anyone. So if I have had your husband I have had them, and that is not open for discussion.

So, where was I?

2005-02-18T17:05:00.000-05:00

Hillbaby continues to amuse, and to all apperances wants to continue to a more serious (ie: public) relationship. Spending so much time there lately, studies are going to be adverseley affected if I do not spend the rest of this weekend studying. Extracurriculars continue to abound to my constant amazement at the sheer amount of consumables present on a daily basis.

Husband has decided that if I wish to continue being married I will come home every night, and if I do not, then we can still live together until I get my degree. I will never understand men.

Debauchery Continued.

2005-02-09T23:23:00.000-05:00

The debauchery continues in this American small town with unabashed glee. Having moved on to the next candidate, after X's disappointing defection, have discovered that hillbaby is really willing to put in the extra ...Effort.. To ensure his success. Added to this the aforementioned benefits, this seemed to be a very likely looking collaboration.

It's not the three little words that kill you, it's just the one, the middle one (love). In the two weeks of association that we have thus enjoyed, I have found that I like hillbaby a great deal, he is nice, kind, respectful, embarrassingly eager to please, and fantastic enough in the sack to make up for some considerable drawbacks, which so far have been few and far between. However, I have to admit to a frighteningly male reaction to those three little words, uttered this early in the game. I literally wanted to jump up and run from the room, never to return again. Finally I decided that course of action would undoubtedly ruin his masculine pride forever, and he was in fact being quite...Convincing... About my needing to stay.

I don't know what to do about this now. Have been busy making mix CD's for all my technologically challenged friends to give to their significant others. Romance can be disgusting.

Irritation!!!

2005-02-08T01:04:00.000-05:00

I had a nice, long, insightful post all ready to publish, but as always happens when you attempt a long post, my computer vomited on me. Now I can't remember what I was posting about. I think it was about X getting back together with WWotW, and how I don't understand why I am so sad about it. I thought I didn't care, and indeed enthusiastic told myself that on every occasion. I guess it bothers me because I knew better. Hot, thin guys, don't really like girls like me, and I let him use me for everything he could get. *sigh* The sad thing is, that if he called me right now, I would probably go over there. I am stupid.

In other news, X's replacement has turned out to be quite the pleasant surprise. Besides the added benefits that no one at the bar knows him, or that we are ever together, he has a huge dick, can go five times a night, his tongue is a miracle, and he has an unlimited supply of extracurricular activities, which I choose not to enumerate in a possibly public forum. Not that anyone really reads this thing, but it is feasible that they might. He, (now to be referred to as Hillbaby) also seems to genuinely like me, and has not asked me for anything other than my company. He also calls me everyday, just to see how I am. Now for the confession, and the only bad thing about hillbaby, I think I'm better than him. I would be embarrassed if people knew we were seeing each other. I can't believe I am so shallow. X was hot, and I didn't care if everyone knew about that, hillbaby isn't unattractive, but he is a hillbaby.

I have decided that physiological chemistry is only required to reinforce my own stupidity. I can't believe I aced the first two semesters of chemistry, only to be thoroughly goat fucked by this one. Micro is suprisingly easy, statistics and human growth and development don't bear mentioning they are so easy, if it weren't for that damn chemistry!

Gossip, Gossip, Gossip...

2005-01-30T22:02:00.000-05:00

I have finally found the joy of being the one to spread the gossip! After years of my one acquaintance spreading the nastiest rumors about me, I find myself in the position to spread true rumors about her. JOY! Unfortunately one of my friends has a conscience and promptly made me feel guilty for my moment of joy. :(

In other news, X has been replaced, at least temporarily. I will have to see how it goes but preliminaries are encouraging.:)

Back to School

2005-01-19T11:10:00.000-05:00

Finally I have gone back to school, and of course the worst snow storm to hit the area since early december has decided to strike. I hate having to driv ean hour in the snow. I hate it. However, most of my classes so far seem to be fairly interesting.

X actually called me the other day. I almost fell over from shock. However when I returned the call the WWotW was there, so I talked to roomate. So I haven't seen X since his birthday. I don't know why I like him so much. I know if we were actually dating, I wouldn't like him that much.

In other news Jeff has called me twice. I am sorry I missed his calls, he probably thinks I am ignoring him. *sigh* not too much else going on I guess.

Have I ever told you that small towns make you crazy...

2005-01-15T14:28:00.000-05:00

School is almost ready to start. I can't believe that I am so excited about being able to get out of the house on a regular basis. I firmly believe that if cabin fever doesn't kill you, it will drive you to kill someone else!

My damn car is not cooperating with my efforts to leave the house and I had to nag the old man for hours today to get him to look at it.

Talked about going to X's house tonight last time I was there, but we'll see if that happens or not. It is his birthday tomarrow.

nothing else is happening I guess. boredom has officially set in.

Anticipation...

2005-01-09T23:21:00.000-05:00

Financial aid can be a nightmare sometimes. Waiting and waiting and waiting some more. I think it should theoretically be here tomorrow. I hope so because my bar time has been seriously reduced due to lack of funds.

My family is driving me insane. Seriously. The constant noise and unruliness is beginning to really frustrate me. Jesus fucking christ! I swear to god I am going to flip the fuck out sometimes. I can't wait for school to start so that I have a regular excuse to get out of the house.

One of my close friends is running from the cops. Her house was involved in a drug raid and her mother and husband are in jail. Freaky. I was just over there not too long ago. Guess I should send some email notification to some of my out of town friends about that one.

Still unsure about the whole X situation. I wish he didn't make me feel so guilty. I wonder if that makes him feel less guilty. He did have questions about my "other" boyfriends though. Maybe I should tell him that the conductor and I haven't seen each other that much since the "night" and the cleaning woman has come along. As for the other, his wife has been ensuring that we keep our distance lately.

I sometimes wonder why I go out of my way to make my own life complicated. Maybe I'm not the smartest girl in town. Dumbass.

Winter Weather is Awful

2005-01-06T16:42:00.000-05:00

Not too much has been going on here, the crappy weather has been keeping us all indoors.

My brother and his girlfriend are moving in with us. It is a little bit of an adjustment to get used to other people living here.

Finally gave in and went to visit X on Tuesday. It was a little suprising actually. He went on about how much he missed me, how he couldn't believe that he was admitting that he missed me, and something about, not knowing how much you like something till it's gone. He was way fucked up, so I don't know if he said more because he was, or if he was just fucking around. I guess I just can't bring myself to trust him. He's just to pretty to be honest.

I guess I have to think about things. He told me not to stay away for three weeks again. *Sigh* I want to believe him, and I want it to be true, but I know it would be...bad. Boys used to be easier.

Rambling...

2005-01-02T16:28:00.000-05:00

Went out last night with my brother and his girlfriend. I guess we had a good time. Cindy & Clint, Steve & Tonya, Connie, and Monnie were all there. Much drunkeness was in evidence.

Katie will go back to school on Monday, but I don't have to go back until the eighteenth. Excitement.

I keep thinking about X, even though I have been a good girl and stayed away from there for two whole weeks, I find myself thinking about him at odd moments throughout the day. Everyday. I force myself to not drive by his house every day. What is wrong with me? Why can't I get a guy who treated me like crap out of my mind?

More Helliday Festivities

2004-12-27T11:18:00.000-05:00

In light of continued helliday festivities I have decided to post some Donne, just to make myself feel better. Enjoy!

Take heed of loving mee,
At least remember, I forbade it thee;
Not that I shall repaire my 'unthrifty wast
Of Breath and Blood, upon thy sighes, and teares,
By being to thee then what to me thou wast;
But, so great Joy, our life at once outweares,
Then, lest thy love, by my death, frustrate bee,
If thou love mee, take heed of loving mee.

The Prohibition-J. Donne

Holiday Update

2004-12-26T14:28:00.000-05:00

The holidays are here, and I hate them. Christmas was not horribl unpleasant, but we'll see how New Years' goes.

School is over till the 18th of January, very excited about that. My grades were not awful, but could have been beter.

Slutpuppy has managed to annoy me yet again, with his nasty comments, which to him are slyly veiled in innuendo, but his lack of intelectual wit is astounding, although longhair is still the epitome of cool guy. Whore lisa has moved in down the street, hopefully the increase in traffic will cause the village to widen the streets.

I have come to an awful and life changing revelation, brace yourselves, the bar is not very fun. I know, I can't believe I said that either, and please don't tell anyone. I do not yet know what to do about this unwelcome revelation,but for now I will ignore it and continue with my normal routine of drunkeness.

Hellidays are here again....

2004-11-29T22:21:00.000-05:00

So Thanksgiving is finally over. Thankfully. *giggle* at my own stupid pun. I spent the whole break snogging away with X. Apparently we had deep conversations in the midst of my drunkeness. I also apparently gave him a big hickey in the middle of his chest. I hope his ex was mad. He did finally let me shave his crotch. He decided that he liked it!

In other news big bio test tomarrow that I have yet to study for. Chem quiz too, but that's not that big of a deal. My new Donne book should be here tomarrow! Excitement, excitement!!!!!!

Professorial Drunkeness

2004-11-24T13:41:00.000-05:00

Last night my a&p class went out for drinks instead of lab, including the professor. much amusement was had, the prof got sloshed, and all the teachers' pet girls were hanging all over him. I'm sure he was amused. I did get to know some of the people in my class better, like Lisa, who is married with three kids, and is 35, but has a 24 year old vietmanese boyfriend.

After several too many beers too far away from home for comfort, I adjourned to the tavern. Usual crowd here, Crystal, Kathy, Teresa, Rabbit, Longhair, X. X went home with a woman old enough to be his mother,

C: I wonder if that is his mother or his date?
M: He probably doesn't care.
K&T: insane shrieks of laughter

I hope they didn't realize we were laughing at them. Lisa the bartender and Hal are fighting right now, and that is pretty funny I think.

Time to go study for finals before the helliday tomarrow.

The drama continues....

2004-11-19T19:52:00.000-05:00

So, last night at the bar much cattiness was to be seen, much to my amusement. Lisa, still indecisive about leaving the hated cop, and secretly longing for X, was suprisingly subtle about her insults last night. Betty the pizza girl, less so. My lesbian antics with Crystal resulted in 3 phone numbers and several party offers, but we declined and I proceeded to my normal drunken destination. Drunken confessions and mumbling ensued. Guilt of others is not my forte, for I have little patience for other peoples indecision. I informed him that his immeasurable guilt didn't stop him from asking me to come over every time he sees me. He was not appreciative of this fact.

In other news boyfriend number two, while in a drunken stupor, confessed his love, and wanted to know why I got married. I told him it was because he wouldn't marry me, but he was not amused. Boys can be so much trouble sometimes.

I got an A on my history test and my chem test, so it looks good for a 4.0 semester for me, as long as I pull of the biology exam. Much time devoted to studying lately, almost as much as reading Harry potter smut.

long time no update

2004-11-01T21:39:00.000-05:00

So, what fun and exciting things have I been up to you ask? Well let me tell you. School has been insane with huge tests and other numerous hard tasks that require, god forbid, time and effort, sigh and thought. I hate that.

One of the bars in my town got shut down, and there are a variety of reasons running the gossip mill, but really, who knows. My long time friend and drinking buddy Eduardo finally got out of jail. Very excited about that.

X continues to wallow in guilt over my marital status and his whineing is really starting to annoy me. If he wasn't so damn pretty. :P One of the other girls in love with him is starting to give me problems, and I may have to take drastic action soon.

I have found the most fascinating place for HP fanfic erotica. I am relieved to find that there are others who share my proclivites.

Vote Bush Tomarrow!!!

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...

2004-10-15T15:04:00.000-04:00

College is making me fucking crazy, how am I supposed to register for spring semester when they have yet to come out with schedule books. Stupid ass web for students is down, and they have yet to fix my flashline account. I have tons of work to do, but I don't feel like it. I also have tons of housework and house related things to take care of. I need to quit drinking. Last night, Rabbitt took me to B&T's in Conneaut Lake, then back to Jerry's in Linesville on the way home. He tried to convince me to come back to his place, and I almost did, but I changed my mind. He's a little scary, so I sent him home with Elaine. Julie had pics back from when we were all trashed the other night. They were pretty funny. She and X have been pretty cosy, I wonder if its because I went home with Jerry the other day? They actually would probably make a pretty good couple, he needs a woman to be the boss of him. Stephanine has been seeing Eric the paving guy. which leaves me at the mercy of Ron and Rabbitt. Very Sad. Sigh. Guess I'll go do something.

Definition of the Day

2004-10-11T15:09:00.000-04:00

Slut Puppy: The guy who will follow anyone home at the end of the night.

In other news if you have not yet checked out jibjab.com do so immediately, it was hilarious. I think I may have pissed some people off in the last two days, but hey, I'm a bitch like that I guess. I have decided that I have to start limiting my bar time to one night a week if I want to get anywhere near a decent gpa for this semester. I possibly should quit doing drugs also, but we'll see how that goes.

Just a little Donne

2004-10-10T04:31:00.000-04:00

'Take heed of loving mee,
At least remember, I forbade it thee;
Not that I shall repaire my 'unthrifty waste
Of Breath and Blood, upon thy sighes and teares...'

Ode to the Geek Chick

2004-10-08T20:22:00.000-04:00

http://www.geocities.com/thesnarkhunt/writings/geekchick.html

Quote

2004-10-06T23:42:00.000-04:00

"I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul,"

Midterms Suck

2004-10-06T22:43:00.000-04:00

I finally finished taking all of my mid terms. I ended up with 3 A's and a B. I won't complain about that I guess.

In other news I went to Tavern after school, it was pretty packed with old timers, and I thought I might go home early, but turns out I had fun. Rabbitt took me out to Conneaut Lake and we went to a few bars there, then stopped at Jerry's in Linesville on the way home. When we got back to the Tavern Eric, X, and Longhair all were there and we sat around bullshitting and drinking till close.

After the bar closed I went over to X's house for some r&r, and we were sitting there having a beer, and his wife came in! At three o'clock in the morning! I about died. Then she proceeded to tell me to get out or she was going to call the town clown to escort me home. My husband would be thrilled to find out I had to get a police escort home from my boyfriend's house. Needless to say, I left. Haven't talked to X about it yet, but I heard yelling as I was pulling out so I doubt it was pleasant.

2004-09-26T19:52:00.000-04:00

So, I have decided to start yet another blog. But, if I don't tell anyone who knows me, then I can write about what is really going on in the secret seedy underworld of the small town. (insert evil laugh here) I can at least amuse myself, and assuming someone else ever reads this, maybe some on else also.